Spock's Dirty Secret
by MarillaT'Pel
Summary: Spock gets some bad news from the doctor that he fears will affect his relationship with Jim.


**Yet another Scrubs inspired short. This one is inspired by the episode 'My Dirty Secret', which had a lot to do with sex, and what it meant to a bunch of the characters. This is kind of about sex, but only because of the way it connects to the main issue.**

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><p>Spock's Dirty Secret<p>

S'chn T'gai Spock could not remember the last time he'd been more embarrassed in his life. He was certain there had been a time, but he could not think of it as he sat on a biobed before Doctor M'Benga. The doctor's news was not particularly disturbing, given the technology that they had access to aboard the _Enterprise._ However, the same could not be said of the results of the treatment he would require. For Spock, a forty- seven year old Vulcan/human hybrid to learn that he had a condition for which treatment would cause a serious telepathic dysfunction that might prevent him from melding with anyone, in was an upsetting conversation.

Vulcans did not discuss such personal matters with anyone who was not their mate or specifically trained healer, and even then it was very restricted. Spock did not ever discuss such matters in detail with Jim, his mate and spouse since their second five year mission began. They often melded with each other while they were making love, and the strength it added to the bond allowed him to better pleasure Jim. He had not been as experienced with such things as Jim was, and it had helped to be able to feel that he was truly enjoying what they did together. And there were other things as well.

Without being able to meld, there was one certain aspect of his relationship with Jim that he feared might suffer. Their relationship was publicly known, and there were many people throughout the Federation who could not understand how a human could stand to be married to a cold, emotionless Vulcan. He'd known that Jim had suffered much insecurity over their relationship, both as a result of the talk that went on in tabloids and the very corridors of the ship, and because of Spock's own fear and shame based actions when he ran away to Gol to try and purge every feeling that Jim had ever evoked in him.

Spock knew he could not allow the medical staff to use that treatment. He would have to insist that they find some other way. His telepathic abilities were far too important to risk damaging, or even losing forever.

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><p>Geoffrey M'Benga was at something of a loss. He knew that the neurological disorder Spock had picked up on their last mission would only be harmful if left untreated, and it would be quite easily remedied. However, the side effects had somehow frightened Spock into refusing the treatment and insisting that they found another.<p>

He wasn't sure what to do. If left alone, the illness would cause permanent damage. If treated the way he was recommending, the mental dysfunction would likely go away eventually with careful meditation and discipline, something Vulcans thrived on. He didn't know why he was resisting the logical choice.

Perhaps he would consult Doctor McCoy, or even ask him to talk to Spock. He'd always seemed to be able to bully Spock into letting his carry out his medical treatments, however illogical Spock said they were.

Spock looked up from where he was meditating on the bed as Doctors McCoy and M'Benga stepped through the door into his private room. He immediately knew why McCoy was with M'Benga; McCoy had always strongly argued in favor of his medical treatments, and wasn't shy about making it into an order.

"You do not need to try to convince me, Doctors." He told them before they could even speak. "I have already decided not to use this treatment. There must be some kind of alternative that you have not thought of." McCoy was already shaking his head.

"You of all people have to know how illogical it is to refuse treatment. If you agree to the treatment we have available, you'll most likely recover eventually. Without it, your condition could worsen while you wait for another option." McCoy sighed loudly in exasperation. "Can you at least tell us why you're insisting on doing this?" Spock looked thoughtful for a moment.

"Doctor," he said after a while, "you are likely aware of the fact that as a Vulcan, I am unable to communicate my desires and affects to anyone, even my mate, in a way that is typical to humans."

"Really?" Asked McCoy, sarcastically. "I had no idea." M'Benga had to clear his throat a bit to show his disapproval at his statement. It was well known that McCoy enjoyed teasing Spock about his emotionless demeanor, and that he did not care for details of the captain and first officer's life together.

"It is true." Said Spock, either unaware or uncaring of McCoy's sarcasm. "I do not even voice my affection for my husband. However, when I join our minds in the most intimate embrace there is," McCoy cleared his throat here and looked away, "there are no barriers left. It is the one way I have to show him just how important he is to me, how he has changed my life in so many wonderful ways, and how it would simply not be worth living without him. It is the only way for me to truly let him know who and what he is to me." He looked at them both, almost defiantly. "I understand that I am in danger because of this condition, but I will not risk losing the one way I have of truly being close to Jim."

Both McCoy and M'Benga were stunned. Neither one of them had ever heard such an impassioned speech from Spock. And hearing him give his reason for not wanting to do the treatment evoked more than just a little sympathy from them both.

"Look," grumbled McCoy, "just think it over, alright? Go back to your quarters and talk to Jim. Maybe he can help you make the right decision." Spock nodded, but inside he was already certain he'd made the right decision. He'd tell Jim nothing was wrong and M'Benga would have to go with it for the sake of confidentiality. He'd been shielding himself from Jim since learning that something might be wrong with him, so there was no way Jim could know that there was a problem.

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><p>Hours later, Spock sat meditating in the quarters he shared with Jim. Jim would be done with his shift soon and then Spock would tell him that nothing was wrong, that his headaches had just been a temporary side effect of their last mission.<p>

The doors of their quarters hissed open and Jim walked through, looking expectant.

"Well?" He asked. "What did M'Benga say?" Spock opened his mouth…and froze. Even if it was for Jim's own good, he could not bring himself to lie to him, not after years of pretending that Jim was only a friend to him, and that he was not as important as Vulcan traditions or logical thinking.

"It…was not the best news." He admitted quietly. "I am suffering from a neurological disorder that I apparently picked up during our last mission." Jim looked at him for a moment and, to Spock's great surprise, smiled.

"I know." Smiling a little more broadly at Spock's obvious surprise. "That block can work both ways, you know. I overheard the whole thing from outside the door. You never knew I was there." Then, more seriously, he added. "I also heard your reason for refusing treatment, and I really think we need to talk about that. You need this treatment."

"But Jim," protested Spock, "you are aware of what the side effects could be. It might not be possible for us to meld again." Jim sighed.

"Spock, if we couldn't meld anymore because of something that was wrong with me, would you think I felt any differently about you?"

"Of course not." Said Spock, looking baffled. "You are human, and therefore feel no restriction on expressing yourself in physical ways. Your love for me is often reflected in your words and actions. But I am not like that."

"No," agreed Jim, "You're not always. But think about it this way. I've seen into your very soul, and you've seen into mine. I've seen just what I really mean to you. Do you think that just because I won't be able to look there again for a while, or ever, that I'll think your heart has suddenly changed?"

"No." Replied Spock quietly, looking a little ashamed. "I apologize. I should not have doubted you." Jim smiled and leaned forward to wrap his arms around Spock.

"It's okay. You know, you do a lot more to show me how you feel than you think." Seeing the question in Spock's eyes, he continued. "You might not say anything in public, but I can always see what you feel in your eyes. What's more, you always step up close to me at functions to warn off anyone with…less than pure intentions. You constantly check out my food to make sure I don't eat anything I'm allergic to. And the most significant thing of all? You're here. You came running back from Gol and your goal of achieving Kohlinar, because you felt something that might mean danger for me, and to let me know the truth about your emotions. To me, that says more about how you feel for me than anything else ever could." He pressed a kiss to Spock's forehead. "Now, we're going to sleep for now, and tomorrow, we'll tell Bones and M'Benga that you're accepting the treatment, because we both agree it would be better to risk losing melding than you dying, right?" Spock hesitated.

"What about sexual intercourse? I often use the bond to know if you are enjoying yourself, or in pain." Jim laughed out loud at that.

"Sorry." He said, seeing the somewhat exasperated look in Spock's eyes. "We've been married for over a year now. Don't you think we know what we both like and don't?"

"Yes Jim." He replied quietly. "I apologize. I am far too dependent on my telepathy."

"Oh, no you're not." Said Jim soothingly. "It's a part of you, just like my arms and legs are part of me. But I wouldn't hesitate to give any of them up if it meant keeping us both alive and safe together. And I know you'd still love me without them. Right?"

"Of course." Murmured Spock lovingly. "You are right. Let us sleep now."

They quickly prepared for bed. As they slid under the covers, Jim turned his face to Spock in a way that he recognized as an unspoken offer to meld. However, Spock just kissed Jim tenderly on the lips and wrapped his arms around him. He needed Jim to know that he was secure enough now to go without a meld, even while he could still do it.

In the morning, McCoy would find Spock in agreement of the treatment, Jim standing beside him as an encouraging and supportive presence. They would begin Spock's treatment, and there would be no more talk of Spock's fears, Jim having thoroughly assuaged them.

Epilogue:

Three months later, after extensive meditation and a visit to a healer, Spock melded with Jim again. It was just as wondrous as the very first time.

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><p><strong>I know Spock's condition was ridiculously vague, but I didn't know what else to say. I also know I pretty much paraphrased Spock's emotional speech from said Scrubs episode, but I really liked it, and I wanted them to be similar. I just wanted to put something up that wasn't what I'm working on right now. I hope this was enjoyed!<strong>


End file.
